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below to go to your joke - four new ones at the start of every month
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We need, no, we crave jokes for this page, send in your best joke and get your name mentioned here, unless you want it left out of course and we'll take the credit :-)
- rule of thumb for jokes displayed here is you could tell it to a 10 year old without getting embarrassed - p.s. they don't need to understand it! |
| Why parents go grey | The Old Lady |
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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?," the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?," the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"? "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?," asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?," asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me." [ Top ]
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A little old lady on
her first day in the old folks home is welcomed by the staff and show to her
chair in the common room. She had a great view of the T.V. and into the garden.
She loved the chat with the other guests. After about an hour her head rolled to
the right followed by her body leaning right. Immediately she was sat upright by
a carer.
An hour later her head rolled to the right followed by her body leaning right. Immediately, she was sat upright by a carer. Another hour later her head rolled to the right followed by her body leaning right. Immediately, she was sat upright by a carer. This was repeated throughout the day. At night her son called in to see how she was. "How are you finding it in here"? "Well the food's great, the tele's great, the people are great but they won't let you fart" [ Top ] |
| Plain English | Simple
Instructions |
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| There is no egg in eggplant
or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England nor french fries in France. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth and The plural of mouse is mice but the plural house is not hice One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and A wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:
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